My Place

T'was in a city where I was born, but there I never found a home.
My heart had known before my past, that in a city I would not last.
Could it be these feet of mine, would find the sand the place they'd pine?
Alas the beach was not the place, for that my forlorn heart would race.
Canopy of trees, shines filtered sun, a breathe of honeysuckle where I run,
T'was a hoosier I'm meant to be, with clay soil beneath my feet.
Just one acre, my little woods. But this place does suit me good.
And here I'll be a hoosier best, and live my life til time to rest.


Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Why I haven't posted. But will try for 2014

It was the worst of times....

Life sometimes grabs you hard and tosses you like... like a water-droplet at the crest of a wave. Then sinks you to the bottom of the deep.

I never cried so hard. I have shed many tears in my life... my mothers death. She was 32, I was 8 and I cried...hard. My brothers accident that happened when he was 19, left him paralyzed with brain damage. I cried hard. When I was diagnosed with a brain tumor at age 20, married with a 1 year old... I cried hard. Then when my brother was 29, he died... God I felt so empty. I cried hard. When my sister died at age 42....I felt it was about all the sadness I could take.  I cried hard. When we lost our baby.... I cried and cried and cried...still do at times.

But this year around August, I never felt such a place of confusion... utter heart ache and helplessness at such a depth as this. I really don't know exactly how it happened, what brought us to this place. Many things I guess. I think it all came to a climax for one reason, my husband feels another. I don't think we will ever know what really caused it to happen.
Our son at 8 years old, we admitted to a mental health hospital. With many tears... and such agony. We were advised by our pediatrician and the counselor we had been seeing it was the best thing to do for his safety. He said that's what he wanted. Now though, I find out how very much that wasn't what he really wanted. He stayed for 5 days. Came home, and became so emotionally distraught we took him back for another 5 days. Then during a counseling session he became emotionally distraught . They wanted us to take him back, but this time possibly for a 6 month stay. My heart was being ripped out of my chest. I didn't even know what to do... how to get out of this black whole of pain for him or myself.... God help us it was so awful.
I called my husband, and had him get there quick. He came and we took our son home. Not knowing how we were going to manage our struggles. Blaming each other, blaming our selves, blaming the counselor, blaming the drugs his birth mother used that damaged his body... Angry, terribly afraid and at a total loss... but even more falling on our face before God begging for help. I called other parents that adopted with similar situations, I called behavior specialists, I called therapist crying and begging to be seen quickly... I researched for hours after hours after hour. I poured over nutritional documents. I read books. I stayed up for hours reading, praying crying and just trying to hold on. I attended a seminar. I bought supplements. I changed his diet. I joined support groups. I cried more.... I prayed more  and like little drops of rain... answers came. Change in medicines helped some. The new counselor understood and began healing of the losses, anger and mixed up emotions he had. I learned a few things. Tried some things that didn't work. Found some things that did. Heard my Lord say.... let him feel your love.... make sure he feels love from you. I try to hold him...touch him...say a kind word at a distance... listen, be there in the moment... let him express his pain.
Slowly healing is coming. But he carries a lot of hurt... and it will take time. Time for me to learn how to help him, time for him to trust and allow love in his life and heal, a rain drop of healing at a time.
At Christmas, I looked at him and just wanted to hold him so close and cry and rock him in my arms. But I have to be careful of my emotions, not over whelm him... I was just so happy to have all my children home. He wasn't in a mental health hospital. He was smiling. Even happy. Everything was not perfect, but he was home...
Things are better. But still rocky. I wonder... was it really always this rocky for him and I just didn't see it... Or did some thing... trigger it all. I may never really know. So many questions. Some behaviors disappear and then news ones sprout up that throw me for a loop... and I try to figure it all out. Pray, cry, research, network....  I just want everything to be ok... and it's not. But ... I believe God is there when your broken hearted, confused... and can't see your way out. I know he is...because that is what I hold onto... When I feel my hands grip...slipping from his, God holds me and lets me cry it out, and I just wait...until I can stand again. I know it will not go away... But I can walk this with my savior, and our son will never be alone.
God cares... I know he does. He met me in my deepest darkest hour...I know he cares.
Sometimes the living becomes so intense, there is no energy for anything else, but living that moment and you just survive. That's why I haven't posted on this blog. Also why I pray...I will be able to post more in 2014.